My inaugural post here is going to be a long one. Buckle up.
Today marks the one year anniversary of my move to DC. It is bizarre to think about because in the most cliche way it really does feel like yesterday. I can still see myself laying on my parents bed contemplating out-loud if I was making the right decision and my mom responding, " Well, we already rented the van so,..." (Always encouraging, Mom.) This wasn't the first time I had left home for a destination 250 miles away; however, it felt completely different. This time I wasn't purchasing matching bedding and trash cans. This time I was packing everything and leaving "for good." This was a, "I think we're going to need a U-Haul" kind of move. This was something that I both acknowledged and attempted to forget all at once. I cleaned out all my closets. I went through my stuffed animals that had been in the attic. I even got a good-bye party out of it. While I had accepted that I would be gone for a while, my friends were less convinced. DC seemed closer to them than PA and many were under the impression I'd be home in a month. I wasn't. It wouldn't be until Thanksgiving I would see them all again. Regardless, their support in my final few days at home was amazing and beyond what I could have even imagined. Of course, that made leaving that much harder but WE packed up the van, ate our from our favorite dessert spot and said goodbye just like they do in all the movies. Then with their words of encouragement, Target gift cards, gag gifts, and promises to visit soon, I began my journey to DC.
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| My last night home in New York. I am not sure how much work we actually did, but the truck did get filled. |
It wasn't the living alone in a new city that kept me up at night or that formed that ball of nerves in my stomach. It was graduate school. Although I had been assured by professors and friends alike that I had what it took, I was not so sure. I read book after book and blog after blog about graduate school and became overwhelmed before the year even started. I'd like to say that the worrying was all for nothing, and in some ways maybe it was. The people? Amazing. My cohort is the most supportive group of individuals and we all have been there for each other through a wide range of life events. My professors, too, have been supportive and encouraging while still pushing me further. The school part? Well, I wasn't wrong to worry about that. From day one I seemed to be dealing with those curve-balls life likes to throw. Only Americanist? Sure. Youngest? Even better. And they kept coming.
I've also been up against that proverbial wall more times this year than ever before, because if there is one thing graduate school is good for it is making you realize how little you actually know. It is hard, and for many reasons it is more emotional than anything I have ever done. Maybe it is because of the lack of sleep or maybe it because of the intense passion needed to get this far but every day seems to have an extreme emotional response attached whether it be positive or negative.
I read a blog post by Carly H... (known as The College Prepster - You should totally check out her blog)
here, where she explains all about a breakdown she had recently and as I was reading I kept thinking, "Yup, been there." Twice this year I have had that moment. That moment where you are sitting on the floor completely overwhelmed by everything happening around you. That moment where you become convinced you've made several wrong choices and that there is no way out. Where everyone can offer platitudes and comforting words and all you can hear is your failure or the overwhelming-ness weighing down on you. It happens. It is tough and it is exhausting, BUT you get through it. You sleep for 13 hours. You cry for 3. You call your mom and you eat Shake Shack and you curse whatever got you there. You spend money you don't have and you text your best friend at 3 AM and have them curse everyone and everything with you. Then you reevaluate and you decide your next move. Then you make it. You come out the other side. You realize you do have what it takes. You become a better version of you. For me, both times the answer was to stay in school and keep with it. That doesn't have to be the right answer. The number of times I have heard someone say there is nothing wrong with quitting this year is probably greater than all the previous years combined, and they were all right. If whatever you are doing that caused you to be in this place isn't what you want then quit. Walk away. Whatever you do, do it for you. Many times this year I have gone back to this quote,
“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.” - Charles Burkowski
Because I would get through the day, the week, the month, and, now, the year. Just like I always had.
So here we are a year later. Thousands of pages read, hundreds of pages written, innumerable heart-to-hearts, and countless tears later. A broken shower head, a leaking ceiling, and a brief bug infestation later. New role models and mentors later, new friends later, new BEST friends later. 365 days later. It feels like forever and a blink of an eye all at once. There is so much left of this journey known as graduate school and I am by no means an expert, but I finally feel like I have some idea of how to handle it. As I get ready to begin my second year I cannot help but wonder what really lies ahead. Clearly many lessons have been learned this year both academically and personally, but I think the most important was that I am infinitely stronger than I think. All those 325,600 minutes? I've lived them. I've been awake for far too many but they've happened and man, what minutes they've been.
It's already been an adventure and we have only just begun.
Clothed in nostalgia and anticipation,
Sam
