Anxiety, fear, & strength.

My alarm goes off at 4:30 a.m. and my eyes snap open. Alert, but not quite ready to go. Paralyzed is more accurate. From the minute I wake up my day's agenda starts reeling through my mind. Bar Method 5:30-6:30, shower and get ready, sub at middle school half day 7:55 - 11:30, eat lunch, drive to campus (pick up rechargeable batteries on the way), read and write short reflection for class 2-3, meeting with Priya 3-4, meeting in COP 4-5, class (stop and grab something to go for dinner first. Oh, and coffee, always coffee) 5:30-8.

Super organized, well planned out, nothing can go wrong. Right?

If I was the betting type I'd wager a large sum that one of those things on my list will give me anxiety to the point where I can barely even get out of bed to start my day. Why? Because I think I'm going to fail. Because I think I won't be good enough. Because I think someone will be disappointed in me. I'll get writer's block and that reflection paper won't be my best work. My form will be off at my Bar class and it'll throw my focus for the whole workout and then I'll be angry for not letting it go, snapping out of it pushing myself to my limits for the rest of the hour. It's snowing so I'll probably spin out and die on the parkway on the way to class. If I do make it there in one piece, I'll forget to print something important for one of my meetings. Or even worse, I'll remember to print it but I'll have to redo it because I made a mistake somewhere along the way.

Some say fears of this kind are common for type A perfectionist personalities. Sometimes when I get like this I feel like I'm being so ridiculous because there's nothing I'm more sure of than that no matter what happens, I'm protected by the hands of the one and only Almighty God who works all things for my good (Romans 8:28).  But there are days where the anxiety of the moment so easily magnifies the lies and consumes any lingering hope.

Every. single. day. I need to remind myself that I have a God who made me in his image. A God who believes in me, and a God who has given me not a spirit of timidity but one of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Tim. 1:7). I have to remind myself that I am already enough; that my best is enough. I have to say, "As long you try your best, that will always be good enough", like I tell the kids I teach. Most days I need to just breathe and remember I can do the things that cripple me with fear, and I can do them confidently and exceedingly well. Most days I can easily cast my cares on God and be surrounded, filled, overwhelmed with perfect peace and assurance (Philippians 4:4-7; 1 Peter 5:7).

Yet, honestly, some days all that is just not enough. Some days I don't want to fight it. Some days I want to crawl under the protection of my bed sheets and comforter and not face the world, not talk to God, not talk to anyone because my anxiety feels more like reality than anything else.

I thought it would be easier to describe what anxiety feels like. That's actually quite ironic because I never knew what it was until I realized that I was experiencing it. Until it it felt like there was 200 pounds weighing on my chest and I could barely breathe. Until I couldn't focus on anything but trying to breathe. Until I was so immobilized by panic that I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that could go wrong, all of the ways in which I wasn't good enough, all of the ways I could fail. If I read those last few lines before I actually went through it, I would definitely not have fully understood the feeling.

This isn't a regular occurrence for me and for that I'm grateful. Most of the time it is the worst during the winter months, when I wake up to dark skies and chilling air. It's amazing what a little light and warmth can do. Yet, there are people who feel like this every day and I can't even begin to imagine what that's like. When it does happen to me though, it's unmistakable. Usually I feel it coming on but no matter how hard I try, I can't stop it.

Today was not one of these days for me, but I can write with clarity because you never forget what those days feel like. The days where all you can do is keep stepping one foot in front of the other in defiant opposition to the things that try to cement your feet to the ground and lay you out flat on your face. The days where taking it one small task at a time and remembering to breathe are the best that day will be. Little victories. And that's okay. It's the little victories that help us to remember what we're fighting for. It's the little victories that make us strong. It's the little victories that help us remember to do more of the things that make us happy and healthy.

We have a God who gives us the freedom to fall short of our own expectations and fall into His love, grace, and truth instead. A love, grace, and truth that says, "You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I made you to be like no one else in this world and I believe in everything that you are and will be. So go ahead, fail, and know that every single time I will be right there beside you to tell you that you are worth so much more than what you are feeling." Amazing. That, for me, is more than enough.

Clothed in deep, healing breaths and little victories,
Kelly